The Daybreak Diaries (3)

Rebirthing Pains

Choosing a path that is altogether different from the one that you're already on is a daunting decision in itself, but I found out that it is unfortunately just the beginning. I had spent most of my energy swimming in circles in the choppy seas of an aimless life, and I now find myself struggling against the countercurrent of a past existence that I am trying to escape from. There are certainly times when I wonder whether I have the strength to see this course change through.

The path less traveled is full of doubt and nearly devoid of the very people who once populated my old life. I have also discovered that many of these persons have made the assumption that my identity is inextricably bound to the previous path that I was on. I was typecast into a role in their very own lives. And sadly for most of these people, their 'scripts' will not accept rewrites.

I played a number of roles for too long — the obedient son, the responsible brother, the dutiful nerd, the gracious doormat, the phenomenal failure, the eventual pariah — that the masks that I had swapped out for various acts had become glued to my face. Even I no longer knew who I really was before the curtains on this life went up. Prying all these masks off will be incredibly painful, and there will even be occasions where I will be tempted to put them back on.

The need for acceptance and belonging can be very compelling, but I must remind myself that I clawed myself back up from the darkest depths of my psyche and although I maybe gasping for breath, it is free air that is now sustaining my ragged soul.

If you share in similar trials, know that these can only make you stronger. And I truly believe that life will get better. Don't give up.

The Daybreak Diaries (2)

Like a Ship without a Rudder

I spent most of my life doing what other people expected me to do. When I was younger, I would accept the word of elders (and even peers) as irrefutably right because this was what good young boys did. I would get anxious at the slightest hint of disappointment that I developed an 'apology reflex' – I would say sorry even if none of it was my fault (you would know this if you bumped me on the street then). I stowed my dreams and hopes away to protect them from thoughtlessly being picked upon by others –

Is this your idea? This is clearly not the way you think.

That course of action is too impractical.

You, an artist? You're just pulling my leg, right?

This is just a phase. You'll get your head straight on in no time.

Do you really think you have what it takes to do what you're setting out to do?

I realized almost too late that living your life according to the not-so-subtle prodding of societal 'norm' set me up for that one fateful day when I would look myself in the mirror and not recognize the person in front of me. It is a daunting realization to have. Here you are too far along the course of your life following a map that people, who claim to know better, have thoughtlessly scribbled on. Wresting back control of your life and knowing all too well how much more difficult it is going to be to plot your own route and stay on it is downright frightening. I found myself disheartened on numerous occasions because I would choose the status quo over life-altering change.

Fortunately, it is a choice that is offered to us more than once. We are given many opportunities to take the wheel and seize control of our life. Yet, we are only given so many chances. Seemingly, each turning point follows a pattern for me: a long-awaited moment of insight followed by a brief period of clarity and serenity, and finally the everyday struggle that is the rest of my life. One would think that struggle would be too harsh a word, but in my experience, it is quite apt. And I believe that it is at this point that we get tempted to relinquish control. But, we have to stick with it.

It is true that the day-to-day labor of setting your heading and avoiding the cliffs and rocks along the way is a task that requires you to be fully present (I believe the word toil was coined to encapsulate the experience). Yet, I also believe that when you find yourself where you ought to be, the pains and aches of all that toil will all melt away.

If you find yourself too far away from the course that you initially charted, know that you can always turn back, but you would have to turn... now.

The Daybreak Diaries (1)

The dawn lost its promise of hope. I hadn't slept a wink, but I so desperately wanted to unshackle myself from the pile of pillows and blankets that were strewn on the bed. Without warning, a cold indifference seeps through the covers and into my skin. And just like that, I lie frozen in a constrictive cocoon as the rest of the world goes on with their lives.

Depression affects more people than most would believe. And even those who are afflicted are often trapped in a limbo of denial. All too often, it is left undiagnosed and dismissed as the product of an individual's overly developed sense of drama.

As a result of the social stigma attached to depression, many people choose to suffer in silence. On most days it requires less effort to smile and say 'I'm okay.' rather than have to unburden yourself on someone – a person who may genuinely care for you, but will fumble around with the how (because at this point you don't even know what would help) or a person who may have just asked 'How are you?' for the sake of being polite.

All too often one shuns the opportunity to stand up and share the turmoil that is brewing inside when you know that yours will be the only voice that will stir the comfortable silence. However, I have realized that  it takes but one soul to stand up and speak, so that the rest can be heard. I do not claim to understand depression in any professional capacity. What I share here are all culled from my personal experience with it – the crippling melancholy, the grueling daily struggle and the occasional small victory.

I do not pretend to have any answers. I am merely sharing accounts of everyday battles in a war that I have to wage until I draw my last breath. I am not even sure what I hope to achieve, but I strongly believe that this debilitating disease loses a part of its hold on you when you open up about it.

These are my daybreak diaries.