The Daybreak Diaries (2)

Like a Ship without a Rudder

I spent most of my life doing what other people expected me to do. When I was younger, I would accept the word of elders (and even peers) as irrefutably right because this was what good young boys did. I would get anxious at the slightest hint of disappointment that I developed an 'apology reflex' – I would say sorry even if none of it was my fault (you would know this if you bumped me on the street then). I stowed my dreams and hopes away to protect them from thoughtlessly being picked upon by others –

Is this your idea? This is clearly not the way you think.

That course of action is too impractical.

You, an artist? You're just pulling my leg, right?

This is just a phase. You'll get your head straight on in no time.

Do you really think you have what it takes to do what you're setting out to do?

I realized almost too late that living your life according to the not-so-subtle prodding of societal 'norm' set me up for that one fateful day when I would look myself in the mirror and not recognize the person in front of me. It is a daunting realization to have. Here you are too far along the course of your life following a map that people, who claim to know better, have thoughtlessly scribbled on. Wresting back control of your life and knowing all too well how much more difficult it is going to be to plot your own route and stay on it is downright frightening. I found myself disheartened on numerous occasions because I would choose the status quo over life-altering change.

Fortunately, it is a choice that is offered to us more than once. We are given many opportunities to take the wheel and seize control of our life. Yet, we are only given so many chances. Seemingly, each turning point follows a pattern for me: a long-awaited moment of insight followed by a brief period of clarity and serenity, and finally the everyday struggle that is the rest of my life. One would think that struggle would be too harsh a word, but in my experience, it is quite apt. And I believe that it is at this point that we get tempted to relinquish control. But, we have to stick with it.

It is true that the day-to-day labor of setting your heading and avoiding the cliffs and rocks along the way is a task that requires you to be fully present (I believe the word toil was coined to encapsulate the experience). Yet, I also believe that when you find yourself where you ought to be, the pains and aches of all that toil will all melt away.

If you find yourself too far away from the course that you initially charted, know that you can always turn back, but you would have to turn... now.