Some people are just irreplaceable. Their very absence leaves a void that most often can never be filled. I witnessed such a vacuum firsthand when I came to the university to teach. Our department was nearing the end of its golden age and the Atlases who once held it up were gone. The load that they carried for decades was passed on to the shoulders of those who were left. A colossal task that could have been made bearable if everyone only took on a part of the yoke.
I realized late that the 'love' people unabashedly declared for their profession was not absolute. There was no clear-cut standard for the many shades of this so-called love. Well, self-aggrandizement and self-preservation, maybe. There was now a gaping maw from where the department was and where it ought to be. In a nutshell, the bridge was out, and people weren't exactly as eager to fill this gap than to cross it at all costs. It became clear at that stage that it was time to rebuild, but it became apparent as the re-edification process wore on that some parts were missing and that some were unfortunately 'decorative'. I (as have others, albeit behind my back) have found myself to be lacking, yet I could not completely comprehend for the life of me why I threw my body to the span.
As of today, the bridge stands unfinished. It is held together by a few determined parts that have now been stretched too thin from wear and tear, holding on due to some misplaced sense of duty and familiarity. But for as long as these parts hold, the span that will once again carry the department to its renaissance will never get built. Not until people stop waiting for the next Atlas to come along, not until they search their souls for the meaning of the word love, and not until it is allowed to fall.
It has been over ten years since I first nervously stepped into a classroom full of students. Each semester since has passed by in a dreamy blur. Each new year brought its share of new faces, new stories, and old endings --- my life as a teacher became episodic. And it seems that even though nothing seemed to stay the same, everything that mattered was at a standstill.
For what has seemed like an eternity, I can again finally smell change in the air. And before the year ends, I am writing a new ending to one last episode.
Indeed, no more wash bottle fights for there are no fighters anymore.
ReplyDeleteThis is a poignant, soulful post. I may be a cynic, but I believe there is something good in store for the three of us, P're. It's a lesson I learned each summer with no or less pay. We just have to brave through it. If I may invoke my catechism, good lasting things happen to good people.
I can barely hold my humanity with this gnawing cancer eating the dept. The impending event at start of the next semester would be a welcome cathartic change. (At least, for the department.)
Thank you, P're. It's something that I have long wanted to get out of my system (maybe I'll feel better physically after having done so).
DeleteI am an 'equal-opportunity' cynic, P're. The chances that the world is ALL good should be more or less in the same ballpark as it being ALL bad. :-)#
Bai, back when I was a student, I didn't fight with wash bottles. Instead, I threw a clay flame shield to an enemy. You want a remake?
DeleteCancer in the dept? Is that the same cancer that Crisostomo Ibarra experienced in Noli Me Tangere and El Filibusterismo? What was the ending of those two books again?
I used to have high hopes for the dept. But now, I do not see that "something" to be hopeful anymore.
If both of you are "cynics", I am afraid that the world has slowly turned me into a pessimist now.
Bai, cancer was the illness that ate the society, as mentioned on those two books. El Fili ends with the world going into revolution.
DeleteWhat really touches me in this post was the idea that we personally put our needs and dreams to a standstill just to fill in the gap of 5-10 people, because these people are busy filling in the requirements, forgetting that their first responsibility is teaching the students.
It would have been fulfilling on our part if we see these people, whom we have sacrificed our needs and dreams, living up to what is expected of a teacher.
DeleteThere is no other department that I've been to where I can witness such passion for teaching and the major. And I see that in you, Ms. Eguna, Ms. Villegas and Ms. Almirante. I am so blessed to have been students of these mentors, especially Ms. Eguna. *ahem (special mention) Hehehe. I am inspired to be a better student and being under such passionate teachers inevitably awaken in me a passion for the subject as well. Keep up the efforts and I'm sure they'll pay off. :)
ReplyDeleteAs a teacher, I thank you for recognizing our dedication to your learning wherever you may witness it. I am sure that Ms. Eguna will be more than happy to read this. :-)#
DeleteThank you, Justinne! :D I am here not just to teach... but to inspire! ( o di ba pang- MISS PAASCU napud ni nga answer? hehe) I can only hope that all teachers will share that goal. But wait... I think I already mentioned in another comment that I am now pessimistic... oh well!
Delete